The Words Behind The Writing by Leanne Dyck

The Words Behind The Writing

Because learning didn’t come easy to me I internalized the sentence, ‘I am stupid.’ It was then and is now the music that plays in my head. I've spent most of my life looking for some way to make it stop. And I found writing. 

I say the wrong word; I take too long to answer; I mispronounce the word. I've spent too much time worrying about how I appear to others. 

How do I make myself heard, understood?  

My pen can express what my tongue trips over.

“Okay, you may find me odd. I am odd. But here read this.”

I study her face and gain validation. I know she’s impressed—I can see it. And it helps. Until, once again, inevitably that experience is drowned out by the steady drumbeat—I am stupid. I am stupid.

She can continue to tell me how good my writing is, how talented I am but I can no longer hear her.

If I could live in pen ink I would. I feel comfortable there. I’d curl up and rest contentedly forever in my computer keyboard—nestled inside the ‘U’ or the ‘C’.

And yet I have a husband who loves me, friends who support me. I know that doesn’t just happen. I tell others if you are in a supportive, caring relationship it is due in part because of what you’ve done, who you are:  karma at work. Healthy relationships don’t just happen you have to build and maintain them.

‘I am stupid’ is a familiar phrase. It’s helped to keep me small, keep me contained. Belief in it means I don’t have to grow. It’s the reason I fail. It’s the reason I don’t have to try. Others may have trouble locating the ugly part of themselves. But I know where mine lies. I can pull it out and examine it whenever I want—poking it, twisting it. Pain is an emotion that can block out all others. Self-inflicted pain means I’m the one in control. And in this way 'I’m stupid’ acts as my shield keeping me safe from anything anyone else can do to me. And when you are in a relationship with others there’s always a risk of pain.

And so I continue to write—a short story becomes a novella becomes a novel. I gain validation. Through the eyes of others, I see a different me—talented, capable, intelligent. But it is only a flash—gone too quickly. I chase it like a drug. Writing. Writing. Writing. Becomes my life.

that's me--naked

I worried that by publishing this story I went too far, exposed too much. But then I read an article by Bella Mahaya Captep...  

You cannot heal what you cannot see... Your negative habits and behavior patterns have their way with you--until you become conscious of them. You must first see them. Once you realize what's going on, they dissolve....If you're a writer wanting to tell your truth, showing up [naked]is a valuable practice.

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Sharing my author journey...

dealing with negative self-talk by Leanne Dyck (with quotes from Nancy Lamb)

I walk into a bookstore and am overwhelmed by the rows upon rows of books. I think, so many intriguing stories by so many talented authors. Is there room for me? I know the answer. It's all been said, written before. What do I have to add? Nothing. Is this the answer? Or is simply negative self-talk.

Of negative self-talk, Nancy Lamb wrote "[T]ake a deep breath and tell that double-dealing, undermining, life-negating, confidence-stealing dominatrix to shut her mouth, back off your personal stage, and stay in the basement where she belongs." (p.66, The Art and Craft of Storytelling).

She goes on to add, however, 'that this gem of wisdom...falls into that familiar but slippery category labeled Easier Said Than Done'...

'The reason our internal voice has gotten away with its negative nonsense for so long is that we haven't paid attention to it...at least consciously. ...

When you hear the voices, learn to identify the feelings that accompany them. Once you've got a handle on what the feelings are, allow yourself to experience them fully--both physically and emotionally--then let them go. ...

Every time you hear the voice, acknowledge its presence but not its power. Remind yourself that this is a voice, not a reality. It no longer speaks to you with authority. ...

They're accustomed to being able to speak undisturbed. The mere fact that you bring the voices into your awareness is enough to diminish some of their power.

Once you've become aware of the messages, you can begin to replace them with more positive words.'

For example, here's what I hear, Cherish my unique author voice. Claim a story that has never been told. Tell it well.